Life has been full of struggles lately, and I am tired. 

That lingering feeling of dread, of something missing, of something painful has been keeping me awake at night. It stays until the wee hours of the morning to the point that I need to force myself to sleep by listening to sleep playlists on Youtube or Spotify; but even in my dreams, my smile doesn’t even reach my eyes. I am tired.

There is only too little time in a day yet there’s too many things [that I need] to accomplish; and I would like to believe that my days aren’t numbered yet.. because I still have dreams to reach and promises to fulfill. I still have a life to live, and giants to defeat. Yet I am tired.

It is sad that I need to force myself to be busy to keep myself from falling apart. It is dreadful that I constantly need to remind myself that it’s okay not to be okay and I just need another time to breathe. So I breathe but I am tired.

If this is midlife crisis, or existential crisis, or any term coined to describe how dreadful it is to live with too much energy but too little resources, then I would like to unsubscribe or come out of its shell. I am just tired.

I know what I want to do with my life, but I am stuck. I can’t seem to move on because I don’t know which path should I take to finish what I’ve started. I just want to reach the end of the tunnel, to see the brighter days ahead, but the universe, it seems, is teaching me that there is indeed no shortcut in life. If I want something, I need to work hard to have it. If I want to finish the race, I need to let go of all that shackles and take one step at a time regardless how slow it may be. It seems easy but I am tired.

“Is there even a way out?” 

It has been the question I am asking Him for the longest time. Is there even a way out to all of these never-ending, tangled mishaps of my 2019? Lord, I am tired.

As if on cue, Jeremiah 29:11 popped out from my bible app. “For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” 

And just like that, I cried. Again. I cried because I am just so tired of constantly begging the Lord to give me the life that I deserve; for Him to take away all these problems, frustrations, and anxieties; for Him to give me the rest that I have been asking for the longest time. I am just so tired— of struggling, of running away, of waiting for things I don’t know about.

Then I was reminded of the preaching from last Sunday: God’s timeline is completely different from ours. I may be struggling to keep up with the universe now, but I will be ahead of my game again in no time. I know because I believe in grace so abundant I won’t have to question my existence anymore. But for now, Lord, I am seriously, genuinely tired. 

Whatever I do, however reassurance I deliberately insist on my senses, no matter how many silent cries and howling prayers I do each night, Lord, I am tired. From the bottom of my heart, I am tired.

So Do Not Fear, For I Am With You; Do Not Be Dismayed, For I Am Your God. I Will Strengthen You And Help You; I Will Uphold You With My Righteous Right Hand