Category: Personal

This has been a messy, chaotic, unhealthy, financially-draining if not exhausting, mentally-depriving, and spiritually-challenging year. A roller-coaster ride is an understatement. It was a long, winding, rough, turbulent-heavy airplane ride with a lot of crashing and taking off, only to come crashing in the middle of the flight again. I had to damsel-in-distress most of my situations, and I wouldn’t want to have any of it in 2020. Not again.

There was a lot of self-saving, and a lot more crying to/with people I trust. I had to constantly reassure myself that what I am doing is at par with God’s timing but the universe kept on conspiring and kicking me to the dirt. It didn’t keep me grounded. It all the more made me insecure about the future. Worse, I kept on spiraling, and it was a series of never-ending self-doubt along with staying still, without really doing anything to come out of the invasives.

Continue reading “2019 Shenanigans” →

Life has been full of struggles lately, and I am tired. 

That lingering feeling of dread, of something missing, of something painful has been keeping me awake at night. It stays until the wee hours of the morning to the point that I need to force myself to sleep by listening to sleep playlists on Youtube or Spotify; but even in my dreams, my smile doesn’t even reach my eyes. I am tired.

There is only too little time in a day yet there’s too many things [that I need] to accomplish; and I would like to believe that my days aren’t numbered yet.. because I still have dreams to reach and promises to fulfill. I still have a life to live, and giants to defeat. Yet I am tired.

It is sad that I need to force myself to be busy to keep myself from falling apart. It is dreadful that I constantly need to remind myself that it’s okay not to be okay and I just need another time to breathe. So I breathe but I am tired.

If this is midlife crisis, or existential crisis, or any term coined to describe how dreadful it is to live with too much energy but too little resources, then I would like to unsubscribe or come out of its shell. I am just tired.

I know what I want to do with my life, but I am stuck. I can’t seem to move on because I don’t know which path should I take to finish what I’ve started. I just want to reach the end of the tunnel, to see the brighter days ahead, but the universe, it seems, is teaching me that there is indeed no shortcut in life. If I want something, I need to work hard to have it. If I want to finish the race, I need to let go of all that shackles and take one step at a time regardless how slow it may be. It seems easy but I am tired.

“Is there even a way out?” 

It has been the question I am asking Him for the longest time. Is there even a way out to all of these never-ending, tangled mishaps of my 2019? Lord, I am tired.

As if on cue, Jeremiah 29:11 popped out from my bible app. “For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” 

And just like that, I cried. Again. I cried because I am just so tired of constantly begging the Lord to give me the life that I deserve; for Him to take away all these problems, frustrations, and anxieties; for Him to give me the rest that I have been asking for the longest time. I am just so tired— of struggling, of running away, of waiting for things I don’t know about.

Then I was reminded of the preaching from last Sunday: God’s timeline is completely different from ours. I may be struggling to keep up with the universe now, but I will be ahead of my game again in no time. I know because I believe in grace so abundant I won’t have to question my existence anymore. But for now, Lord, I am seriously, genuinely tired. 

Whatever I do, however reassurance I deliberately insist on my senses, no matter how many silent cries and howling prayers I do each night, Lord, I am tired. From the bottom of my heart, I am tired.

So Do Not Fear, For I Am With You; Do Not Be Dismayed, For I Am Your God. I Will Strengthen You And Help You; I Will Uphold You With My Righteous Right Hand 

Every waking day of your life has been dreadful for the last few days, or weeks or months even. You convince yourself today that everything will work out fine, but then that familiar feeling keeps oozing from your veins — you’re afraid. Hello, old friend, how long has it been?

You remind yourself over and over again that the only logical response to your fear is self-assurance, that you can do all things as long as you don’t let the darkness take over your life. So you get up, dress nicely, cling to the idea that life has always been a mess. All you have to do is dispel the dread and start finding your passion. But you can’t even bring yourself to do the things you used to love. It’s debilitating.

Why are you afraid?

Pressure. Restlessness. Anxiety. Yearning.

They are always the same thing. They are always the same reason for your self-doubt. They wade through your consciousness because you let them, don’t you? You are afraid because just when you thought everything is finally coming together, you see it crash before your eyes. That is life reminding you that things don’t always go as planned.

You are afraid because you remain stagnant in life. You are scared because at times when you want to at least move on and do something relevant, something happens and it takes away all the motivation you saved for so long.

But dear self, it’s okay. You can be afraid but still open your heart, ears, and eyes to the people who need your company. Be scared of the unknown because it’s the only way to survive. Fear persists because it’s a natural part of life.

Go back. What do you do when you’re afraid? You pray. You cast all your worries to The One who owns your heart. His words do things differently.

You are afraid to do things your own because you are afraid of the idea of failing. You are scared of the idea of being a failure. Love, it’s okay. It’s okay to be afraid but remember: fear no darkness.

Move on. One step at a time. Again, be afraid, and do it anyway.

We make our own plans, but the Lord decides where we'll go." - Proverbs 16:9