Category: Personal

Hi, it’s been a while and I think this may be the perf time to rant about how my I-don’t-trust-you-man stage is never going away. It so happen that pushing people has been my hobby this past few months.

So, Dear Man, You should Know Why.

It’s not that I don’t like you, because I somehow do. It’s not that I hate you, it’s just that I still am not ready for a serious relationship.

You know the story, you know how they left me.

But you told me you’ll wait for me. But just today, you asked me again if everything’s okay. I said, of course not. I am still on the stage where thinking about entering a new relationship brings a mess inside my head.

We were so closed, closed enough that you even know what is happening to me every single day.

You know how much I ranted about his messages; messages that I long have been waiting since he left. You even told me to stop, and I don’t know why.

I told you more that 20 times that it is better for us to stay friends, you didn’t want that. You did not want compromise, and that only made me push you away from me even more. You were so insistent but I treated you like my friend, still.

You should know how much I wanted to tell you to go online and read this, but you cut [our] communication too soon. And man, there is a big difference between “I Love You” and “I Like You”, because I heard those words a hundred times already, but people who said it, left. I’m just afraid you’ll do the same.

Let’s grow up, you gave yourself a great time pretending on those numbered days, anyway.

This is just one of the many times I hated myself for falling in love in a blink of an eye. I hate myself cos the first time I saw him since he left the country, it was as if I really am not from a heart break story.

Too many what if’s.

What if I shouldn’t have gone to other country?

What if I shouldn’t have saw him again?

What if I pushed myself into that five- year relationshit too hard like before?

What if he was not home on that break, and the other one’s too insistent and I was trapped like those of many times?

I hate that feeling.

I really wish that feelings are like books in a bookshelf; that when you are done with one, you put it back, and you can always go back and have that same good feeling of reading it again.

And yes, the other one is in the military and I thought they were taught about loyalty. What happened?

I have always been that girl who hides every negative thing with a smile.

But then some men are so insensitive that they think leaving a girl behind in exchange of another girl would make them any cooler.

Then disappointments.

But I’m getting there. I’m picking up the pieces . Cos can.

People ask me what happened? What the fudge really?

Here goes this way:

He saw you.
He wanted you.
He liked you.
He chased you.
He got you.
He had you.
He got bored of you.
He left you.
He broke you.

THERE I SAID IT.

People ask me why I act as if I am not broken.

I say, first, I am not broken, I am just disappointed. Second, they don’t know the feels I hide inside.

They don’t know that every night, I lay awake until midnight thinking of what did I do wrong to deserve two consecutive heartbreaks.

That they don’t know how hard for me to stop myself from visiting his Facebook profile just to send him a message and tell him I wanted to talk.

That they don’t know that I don’t know how to explain my side when in the first place he never gave me the benefit of the doubt.

That I still sleep at night and wake up in the morning thinking about him.

It hurts, just so, you reader, know.

But Dear humanity, I was not the one who got away.

I feel sorry for them because they dumped the girl who will never leave them.

Well, I am beginning to hate men.

Two months and I’m still hurting but definitely, yes, really, I will win this game, okay? Okay. 

I’m a strong woman, remember?

Give me more time, I’d be there. I’m getting there.

She just wanted to know why it is painful to be disappointed by that person she thought would never hurt her. That how could someone makes her feel extra special yesterday then turns out to be treating her like a complete stranger today?

She just wanted to know how a person can be sweet enough and leave drastically when the sweet things he said keeps her up at night. And now she wonders how many of those things he said, he actually meant.

She just wanted to know why she believes in second chances even though those second chances are the ones that hurt the most.

She just wanted to know why through all the lies and constantly getting left, she never left. Ever.

She just wanted to know the reasons why he made him believe that she could start a new life with him without being afraid of all the circumstances from her past. That how could he easily made him forget all the bad things occurred for five long years then turns out to be the one who could also bring it back, and worse make her feel more so unwanted.

She just wanted to know the reasons why he left, it that is possible.

And she just wanted YOU to know that one day she will realize that what you had after all this time were all nothing to you, that someday it won’t even matter to her anymore. She just wanted YOU to know that she will realize that she can’t lose what she never had, she can’t keep what was never hers, and she can’t hold on to you because in the first place you did not even want to stay. She just wanted YOU to know that maybe, just maybe, he’ll find a better man who can show her that happy ever after story.

She just wanted you to know why she is not sad anymore, that she is just tired of the place where she is always left out.

She just really, really wanted [you] to know why.

And lastly, she just wanted to know why everyone who said they will always be there for her, left.