Category: Personal

The constant pursuit

She’s Better Off Alone

Published on by Neyzielle RonnicqueLeave a comment

Everyone we both personally know keeps on telling me that I’m still on to you. That I’m just so great at hiding what I feel… because it’s too good to be true.

Maybe that’s the worst part of being able to stay quiet all around, never telling one or two of what had gone to me the moment I decided that I am not for you, as you are not for me.

It’s an exaggeration that my world fell apart the moment we had that unwritten agreement that, “Yeahright, it ain’t gonna work out anymore.” It was an unacceptable connotation even. You see? Awan nasakit nga bakrang, kunada ngarod.983957_671553009528854_21307016_nI need to be honest. There was no second thought, nor considering other options. Not even a hint of guilt that I was leaving the man I loved for a very long time without even explaining to him why. I thought you knew, I thought it was part of your plans, too.

I want to tell you that sometimes I don’t have a choice in the matter.

The only thing that keeps bothering me is the promise, or promises maybe, you, for all the people in the world, broke. I anticipated the fact that you weren’t gonna be there on my graduation as I was there in yours, which the proof, you told me, is your deployment because you are this and that and blah blah blah. Nah. I forgot about those now, that is the only thing I am holding on to.. that’s why I hated you.

Again, that wrong timing of separation became an angel in disguise for me to find myself in the middle of chaos life have brought.

I realized that I am tired of the fights a relationship brings. That for the months that I relied only to myself in dealing with my problems because you weren’t there, I learned to trust my decisions more than anyone. That life is so much fulfilling if I, for my best interest, spend my time on reading books than going out with other people wasting time, effort, and yes, money.

That God, in my distress, was there to rescue me the moment I was badly seeking for company.

Forgiveness is the key, they always say to me. But how can I forgive you when I don’t even feel like you did anything wrong to me? I was the first to let go.

They tell me to move on, and I always answer them with a question of, “Why should I move on if I don’t need that one to grow?”

If “moving on” is their word of me talking about ‘what happened to us’ – just because it was my way to somehow ease the anxieties and on and on -so be it.

But I guess I let go the moment you let go of my hand in that military camp when I was about to tell you to help me realize why I came there in the first place. Yet, you chose to talk to that girl and treated me like I was not existing.

That moment, I finally realized that the only part of me that needs to move on is.. nothing. Baby, it is called living.

And you know what? Really, I’m better off alone.

God bless the soldiers of our army.

Published on by Neyzielle Ronnicque1 Comment

We were ambushed.

We were on our way back to camp Monte Claro in Miag-ao, Iloilo. We came from Barangay Paga, Municipality of Leon. We were on our fourth day of the medical, dental and surgical mission, and we rode our convoy with happy hearts just like before.

I was at the end of the military truck. I sat next to Lt. Clark Harold Pascua because we were talking about our culture; because he, just like me, is an Ilocano. Before that, I was taking videos, and I believe God told me to stop what I have been doing and look at His creations. So I focused my attention to the road instead, letting every detail of the trail sink in my mind. But then in between of all the graceful chatters and never ending stories of local places we came from, the sound of M16 suddenly filled the air.

The soldiers guarding our truck told us to dock, and it did not sink in my mind eventually, so I stayed sitting at the truck when everyone was on the floor hugging each other. Lt. Pascua hugged me and said, “Dapa na!” And so I did.

We were in a red area. We were in a kill zone. And I thought about my family; and how my life will just end drastically.

The two soldiers were shouting at each other, one saying to stop the truck, the other one to just push through. Next thing I know, the truck halt into a full stop. And the sound of firing guns continued. The moment it stopped, we were ordered to get out of the truck, and we fit ourselves at the side, next to the wheels of the truck, and prayed with the background music of guns, obviously.

I cried, being the cry baby that I was. But I drew strength from my companions who were praying, hugging each other, and just like me, crying. Lt. Pascua never left our side, even Kuya Edwin who came running from the Hillux (he is the driver of the OB van, by the way); they guarded us, looked for any danger until they ordered us to go at the other side of the truck again. A minute passed and a soldier said we should hurry up and go inside the nearest house. We stayed there until they told us it was safe already.

Alertness wise, we walked, with all the army in foursquare, their guns pointed at all sides of the trail, and I seek refuge to the people I was with. Maybe 50 meters away from the “safe area” they again told us to sit, and God is indeed so good for nothing bad happened.

The final story is, we were all okay. We were safe because God was with us.

This is the experience that I will never trade to anything.

I was from a sector of the University of the Philippines, and I was aware of them. I anticipated the fact that this medical mission, in cooperation with Philippine Army, was an adventure itself and unprecedented things may happen. But never did I expected that evil will reign at that moment, given the fact that we came from a mission and helped many people.

I love rendering service, and I will never get tired of reaching out to people. So this blog post is an open letter to the members of the group that did this to us:

People working in humanitarian organizations are still existing. We care about the lives of God’s people, we care about our lives, and we care about your lives. You said that you are fighting for your human rights, and when there are encounters and some of your men are “damaged,” you do everything to send back your rage. But you did not think about the welfare and human rights of the civilians during your ambush, and you only see threat to our soldiers who are guarding our country.

I am not mad of your propaganda, and I do not condemn your group because I don’t know what your good causes are, about your sentiments even. I am just infuriated that you sacrifice the lives of your people for the lives of innocent people, just to live with your principles. I do not have any hint of your community ideologies, nor the way you recruit people in your growing number of batallion, but whatever they are, please, just please, don’t inflict harm to people who only think of goodness to the humanity; missionaries who only want to address the medical needs of our fellowmen through outreach programs; people of God whose only cause is to spread His words to people who could not be reached by other governing bodies.

This is what we do. I hope you understand that, too.

This is an open letter because it came straight from the soldiers that we need to utilize the social media to let people know. That yes, ambush is still existing, and yes, most of the times, you’re the ones who push through these things.

This experience made me stronger. No one will ever stop me on rendering services to the people from the far-flung communities, and I know, people from the organization I work for feel it, too. God will always be with me, with us. Whatever the enemy does, the purpose of God will prevail.

The earth is indeed filled with His glory!

God bless the soldiers of our army.

Things I Realized When My Phone Was Stolen, I don’t Have Anything to Use Since Then

Published on by Neyzielle RonnicqueLeave a comment

1. Indifference is Inevitable

You can never blame me because I had mine since I was 8 years old. I used to have different units and brands then, because 1) I use it to communicate with my father who is in abroad 2) It became my comfort zone when I don’t have anyone to talk to, I mean, the games and everything, and 3) I think you’ll agree with me, is that your phone is connected to your soul, you got to love it more than other things because it is the possession where you keep most of your privacies. It is never the same, you know.

2. Losing your phone is like losing a part of yourself
That feeling when you wake up in the morning, and the first thing you do is look for your phone, and you can’t find it, then you realize that you can never really have it back. It’s like waking up broken hearted, you want to cry but you choose not to, because you can never do anything about it. You tell yourself that it will gonna be okay, and you just need to let go, and move on. But no, how can you, when you will have a hard time loving the new one, if you’re lucky enough to have something new.

3. Your phone is a daily reminder that you’re existing
It’s always on your side, when you wake up until you go back to sleep at night again. You live your life doing that daily routine with your phone always there, yes, when you really need it the most. Because you can pretend you are doing something, though not for some people, when you are bored and alone and lonely and.. Every effin time. It’s never the same without it, right? There’s a part of you that is missing, and that is life and the gap that can only be filled with, er, technology wise.

I need a phone.
It is a part of my life, my daily grind, my routine, and myself.
But how can I have one now?
I am so lonely and I think I cannot go any day longer without something on my hands.
It’s a way to kill a part of me.