Category: Personal

The constant pursuit

Thanks for not asking

Published on by Neyzielle RonnicqueLeave a comment

I realized that I am always asking other people if they are okay — a lot.

Even if I know that they are completely fine, I still ask, “How’s it going?” or “You okay, really?” and I guess I actually sound incorrigibly annoying.

It’s like I’m seeking attention when all I really wanted is to ask them about their day.12528064_955269807898112_1836164770_nI don’t know, it became more of my nature these days, a habit even — asking everyone about their day and if I can do something to make it better even if it seems they don’t find it okay to be continually answering me.

But just tonight, as I am sipping my cup of milk tea while writing something on my journal, I think I found the answer. Now I know why I do this.

Because when I am falling apart and I think my world would collapse anytime sooner..

No one ever asked me if I am okay.

Dear you, thank you for not asking because I figured out that you did not contribute in me throwing my life in a chaos. Thank you for not asking because you made me realize that maybe, just maybe, you are my friend only when you need something from me.

Guess I am branded with a feeling of insecurity.

“Some friends don’t understand this. They don’t understand how desperate I am to have someone say, I love you and I support you just the way you are because you’re wonderful just the way you are. They don’t understand that I can’t remember anyone ever saying that to me. I am so demanding and difficult for my friends because I want to crumble and fall apart before them so that they will love me even though I am no fun, lying in bed, crying all the time, not moving. Depression is all about If you loved me you would.” – Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

So this is what loneliness feels like. There is a peculiar sensation knowing I have felt it before– a long time– and it dawned on me that it has always been there, hiding beneath the strong face I always try to carry. It feels so familiar that I somehow forgot that it is a part of me.

Thank you for not asking because I am surrounded with all of you people but nothing hurts than knowing that I am still alone and you are not going to be there when I need someone to talk with.

Thank you for not asking.

“I will be okay.” Is that what you really want to hear from me?

One Year Ago Today

Published on by Neyzielle RonnicqueLeave a comment

One year ago today, I was that kid pretending to be silent sitting in one of the vacant chairs in this Corporate Communication room/ office. We were only three in the team that time and I was still grasping things about the organization and its people in general.

One year ago today, I am wearing the same Vans shoes that I remember looking at for too long because I was thinking of how in the earth did I write three articles in five hours. I was in complete awe of my capabilities then.

One year ago today, they told me that I am going to Iloilo for a week-long medical mission.

One year ago today, I have learned that there is so much more to learn in giving service to the humanity. That my years of constant service to the community being the President of different academic organizations; the Sangguniang Kabataan Chairman of our barangay; and the Auxiliary Lady Chancellor of my sorority was a training ground for me not to be maarte in a lot of things.

And one year ago today, I officially had my first job that opened my eyes to what a service-oriented woman should be.

After one year, I finally let go of my brat, cynical, and maldita sides.

After a year, I have learned how to let go of things that [I have realized] don’t have any vital role in my life. I developed self-control; and I encouraged myself to be extra patient and understanding before dealing with inconsequential events.

I realized in my one year in OB that I need to treasure relationships and treat everybody as if they are members of my family because I do not know the battles they are dealing with.

That there is more to writing stories than doing it for the sake of meeting the quota. Because writing for OB means inspiring change for the people to know that there exists a foundation that unselfishly extend their help to care for the needy.

I love my [first] work and I wouldn’t trade it for anything else. Because this day last year, I finally found a part of myself that is worth living.

When God says NO

Published on by Neyzielle RonnicqueLeave a comment

When God says no, it means no. I keep telling and reminding myself of this sentence for a week now but then again, I’m asking for an extension.

But He said no.

Last Monday, I should have went home for an interview for a scholarship grant. I didn’t go, and I heard God said “Hmmm.” Came the following days and He showed me the consequences of disobeying.

I cried but then again, God said no.

I took back my resignation letter comes Thursday, because I said, “Lord, I need more time.”

That night, when I was singing my heart out in worshiping Him, I clearly heard Him asked, “Why do you fear?”

So, instead I asked Him for signs. Perhaps, signs that I have known will come sooner or later. Again, I plead. I said I’m going to stay.

But then again, He says no.

Because He gave me the impression on that Friday morning as He says, “You see, child? Devil is not and will never be working with you because I am here. Why do you fear?” And He led me to Joshua 1:9.

I’m writing this tonight because as everyone in the team are now sleeping while I am here in the porch of this resort room waiting for my photos to be uploaded, again, I am bargaining.

I said He knows my heart. And I clearly heard Him say, “Yes. But I said no.”

Maybe circumstances are “working together for my own good.” That I was really supposed to be feeling that dread for thee days for some reasons. That He’s reminding me once again that if it is for me, I will always be included in the plans. That if it’s for me, I should have that peace in my heart.

But then again, God said NO. Who am I to disobey? Much-needed words come unexpectedly on the most inappropriate time and then I came upon Psalm 118.

When God says NO. I say NO.