You know every time I come home to Ilocos and visit your grave, I always ask you to come and visit me even if it’s just for a quick hello?
It took you 17 months.
I can’t tell if it was my bottled-up anger, disgust, and frustration or maybe some subliminal emotions that finally brought you around, but after all this time, you’re still the only person who can tell me the right words at the right time.
The ache of missing you remains because out of nowhere, you were there in a coffee shop with me, just casually sipping your favorite iced matcha latte Vividly, you turned to me, held my hand, and in your calm but always stern voice, you said:
“Ukinnam, agtalna kan, is-stress’em lang bagbagim. Ammok nga kayang-kayam, ngem agtalna kan, true?”
And then your favorite word: “Pakasisikuram?“
I woke up crying, almost inconsolable. Thank God, I was beside my boyfriend.
Is this your message from the grave? You only appeared and visited me when I was beyond anyone else’s control. It’s as if our connection thrived in those moments of unbridled freedom.
But don’t worry, bebe, the support has been outpouring– overwhelming even– and the private reassurances were nothing but immense. Friends have been reaching out, checking up on me, and their words of wisdom had been incredibly helpful to tame the beast of your best friend. They were telling me the very same thing you reminded me of in my dreams, and I appreciate you all so much.
Right now, as I sit here surrounded by memories, it hits me how much I miss you. Our memories together, the laughter, the plans we shared – they all rush back in a bittersweet wave.
Honestly, I know that missing you might never really go away, but I find some comfort in thinking that you’re out there somewhere, maybe watching the world twirl by. You know, you left this space that can’t be filled by anyone else. But then again, I guess that’s what makes the bond we had so special.
You can always find your way into my dreams; I promise, your presence would be more than welcome there.
I love you, bebe, and I miss you again and again, more than and beyond its meaning.
I hope you’re happy up there.
Neyziellewanders 