Category: Mayday Musings

It is in my solitude that reminds me of the love that calms my raging soul because lately I always run empty-handed and crestfallen. Those times, invariably though, I know nothing but to pray that I’ll meet or know you soon so I’ll finally have someone to share my agonies with—but I often hear a ‘Not yet.”

Who am I to go against that plan?Dear God’s best, I just want to let you know that right now, I am deeply loved, protected, secured, and cared for. He is always there to compensate for your absence and I’m enjoying the company, I will always do.

He is also my constant reminder that when I fall, I must get up, stand straight, and keep going because it’s a part of learning. He gives me the wisdom of dealing gracefully with trials so here I am, still fighting.

Whenever I think that I am a failure, He is always there to make me understand that it’s a part of what life has to offer. He also gives me strength each time I run out of life’s batteries so don’t worry about me, I’m always renewed and charged every single day.

Each time I want to just shout and throw things to the wall, I am reminded to kneel and pray. He listens, always. He never did once blame me for acting insane and obscure. He understands my thoughts, albeit I am reluctant of the trust.

He is my fortress, my refuge, my strong tower so be it. He is my crying shoulder because God’s best, I always cry like a baby. I’m sensitive that even a kid begging in the street can stir my emotions. That, which is often the case, hurts me and next thing I know, I’m shedding a tear.

He never abandoned me when I needed a company. I hope you’ll be like that when it’s finally the right time for you to know me.

His heart is breaking when mine does, I know because I’m constantly reminded that He loves me too. More than I love myself, even.

I know that you love Him too, maybe even before I did and I just want to thank you in advance for understanding my love to the One who died on the cross for us.

Please remember that God owns my heart and you will always have to deal with that. I am not saying that I don’t need you, I do, but not yet. For now, though, my King remains on his throne.

God’s best, He loved me first.

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To my God’s will ~

“Ever had the moment of hating something as much as how you used to love them?” she asks. Only to find out that she doesn’t have someone to ask to in the first place. Her 16-year old self loved the long hours of trip back home because she has all the time in the world to divert into the realm of imagining perfect scenarios inside her head.

Maybe she dwelled into that world a little too much that her only way out is to be incorrigibly annoying and noisy most of the time.

So, this is the life of the girl you wouldn’t want to meet, but you did, and you have to deal with it for the rest of your life.This annoying girl laughs a lot but she craves space. She talks about anything too much, but she always makes way to recharge her batteries because it makes her breath. When she’s happy, she lets the whole world know. When she’s sad, she keeps it to herself. And when it gets to the point that she can’t fathom the degree of sadness anymore, she completely shuts down.

Her eyes. They used to shine so bright. And her smile used to come off naturally. But she knows that she is weird, twisted, and drowning in life’s ocean so she reminds herself that she is unlovable. Until she stopped being bright. Her head grew a list of things she has done wrong then suddenly, it was dark.

This girl sometimes disappoints herself because she knows that she is better than the choices she makes and the things she chooses to deal with. She finds it difficult to believe that a person would love her even when she isn’t trying.

She is annoying. She is noisy. She is outspoken. She argues when things don’t go her ways. She is stubborn, pathetic, paranoid, and awful. She is the girl no one is set to love.  Tonight, however, she wants to tell you that if you’re feeling blue, try to paint yourself with a different color. She wants to assure you that when you are sad and afraid and broken and jaded, she will not be there to tell you, “It will get better.” She will be there to tell you that it’s okay to feel those emotions and your feelings are always validated.

She will never tell you how much happier you could be should you chose the easy way out. She will never blame you for being you, at this very moment. She will always be there to tell you that you are strong, you have been strong, and you will always be strong.

She wants to tell you that it is okay not to always be okay.

She wants, above all else, to tell you that you both are going to figure out what you want to do. You will be who you really are, who you used to be without taking any reservations, doubt, and self-harm. Maybe you still don’t know how to make it today but you’ll eventually figure it out.

But babe, she wants to tell you to stop thinking, for a second, that someone will like the way you annoying-ly talk and make senseless noise. She begs you to please try to be silent for a while lest just stay positive. The things you are waiting and praying for, tend to arrive at the most unexpected moments.

Just stop being annoying. No one will love you for that.

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Letter I will never send // To myself ~

Uhm, hey! How are you? Me, I’m fine, I guess. But don’t worry, I can still handle everything on my own.

But you know, days like this, I am praying that I’m going to meet you soon because I feel like I’m all alone. I sometimes feel broken because I go out alone, eat in a fancy restaurant alone, lest, watch movies alone.

Then again, I wish not. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I am not ready yet.The feeling of being broken is temporary. See, I’m strong. I can go out alone because I choose to. I have friends but sometimes solitude is my best company. I can eat in fancy restaurants alone, not because I do not want to share my food to anybody but because I perfected the art of doing so. I can watch movies alone because why not? I skip a bit of reality in a two-hour movie and it gives me fulfillment, just so you know.

God’s best, it’s okay. I am alone, but I was never lonely.

I am fine with being alone, because when the right time comes, we’ll enjoy doing my favorite things together. I know, because God always reminds me so.

God’s best, I am not ready to know you yet because I still have the universe inside my head and I do not want to include you in my internal chaos. I want to meet you in the proper time when you don’t have to worry why I sleep late at night, clutching a book, struggling to put myself to sleep.

I am not a perfect human being, I have flaws, and I still need to know how to better handle my weaknesses on my own. I still don’t want to know who you are because I am not sure how to deal with another person’s feelings when I can’t even deal with my own.

I want to know you in God’s perfect timing, when He knows that we can already bear each other’s reservations.

I pray that you’re still not yet ready, too, because you know that God is preparing something better for you—that He is preparing you to be a better man for me, as I am a better woman for you. You see, we’re young, and I hope you’re enjoying the freedom as much as I do.

I pray that you are not ready yet because you still have family obligations, so do I. Whoever you are, I pray that you are being responsible in providing for your family because they need you this time more than anytime else. I know you are strong and matured enough in setting your priorities but don’t forget to pamper yourself, too, okay?

God’s best, I am not ready yet but when I do, I promise that you’ll appreciate why God extended the time of us knowing and/or meeting each other.

The right time will come, let’s just be the best for each other when it does.

I am not yet ready, but when I do, I promise I’ll be your God’s best, too.

Sincerely,

Your future half ~