Category: Mayday Musings

Pseudo- literature

Your lies ended up hurting me more

Published on by Neyzielle RonnicqueLeave a comment

I asked you many times why, why are you suddenly leaving me? Why was it too soon? You said you did not want to hurt me; that I should focus more on things that would make me happier. So I did. But in a very suspicious turn of events, I saw a picture of you and your new girl, six days after you said we should stop. Six days.

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I still had one more question the night we ended everything, but my guts told me that I was never going to like the answer, but I’m asking now to at least get this off my chest: Who came into your life first? Was it me? Or was it her? How long has it been going on between the two of you? Or had the universe just played some sort of cruel prank on me that it made me believe that you genuinely love(d) me?

I just wish it wasn’t you, you know. Because out of everyone in my life that could potentially break my defenses, it had to be you. It had to be the person who I promised to take good care of for the rest of my life; the person who never really experienced the love of parents growing up; the person who I thought was the sweetest thing alive. But of course, you had to be the one who broke my heart.

“I never wanted to leave you because I love you.” Ha, surprise. You left, and I’m sorry but this is not how you treat somebody you love.

When I met you again after how many months of not actually being involved with you, I said I was scared to start something with you. It’s because the universe taught me, and I’ve learned the hard way of how people love, and how they eventually, drastically leave. I was scared. But there you were, not promising anything but his life to me, so I dug in, albeit impulsively. All the warning signs came in late. They came after I could no longer stop myself from falling any further.

All you had to do was ask me to stay, and you knew, I would have. You know, after all you have done, I still spoke of you like you made my whole life so daringly easy and beautiful. But boy, I have already stopped lying to myself. All you did was break my heart.

For the past weeks, I was fervently praying for someone to take me back to the time when I hadn’t met you, let you in my life, and fell in love with your lies. So I could save myself from another form of heartbreak.

Of all the impulsiveness that I made before 2017 ended, you were the nightmare. My friends know that I’m still hurting and I’m not going to lie about that. Of course, it still hurts. I just got better at hiding it. I don’t really like saying goodbye because I just can’t let go of people easily.

But after all the sleepless nights I have wasted thinking about what went wrong, I suddenly came into a realization that you were not the one I was praying for. You are never the one God has made for me. And the message that keeps on moving me forward now is: A RELATIONSHIP BUILT OUTSIDE GOD’S WILL IS NOT WORTH IT. You are not worth it.

I hope you are happy and you got what you wanted, but why on earth couldn’t you have just been honest about it?

This is just a letter to let you know that I have finally let you go.

An Open Letter to Ilocano Youth

Published on by Neyzielle RonnicqueLeave a comment

An Open Letter to my Ilocano generation,

Especially to those who are younger than me: It is not a sin to be born in Ilocos Norte.

I know why you fight hard for the glory and fame of our Apong, especially now that the fire about the burial issue keeps on burning. I know because I grew up like you. Perhaps I know so well.

Through my childhood, I have heard stories, beautiful ones indeed, of how former President Ferdinand Marcos took good care of our country. I have read magazines, publications, and newspaper cutouts of how bravely he put into effect important economic reforms.

I have learned in school that under his regime, there were undeniable developments of industries that employed many Filipinos, thus providing valuable goods and trades in and for the country. I was taught and I have learned so much more.

I know you did, too. Maybe you are still learning about it today. But I am so sorry.

Most of the people rallying in EDSA maybe do not know the whole Martial Law story. But please DO NOT use the “you were not even born yet” logic against them. Please do not tell them to not use those bridges, buildings, roadworks, and offices because everything that was/is built under any government project is for the people, Marcos regime included.

We have learned, and you are learning, about how great of a leader Marcos was, but like us, the people in the metro have access to information and historical “truth”. We are taught about the “Marcos good things” and they were educated about things most likely otherwise.

It’s just that we came from Ilocos Norte that it hurts when they throw rocks at our Apong. Are we to blame if it has always been a part of our heritage? No.

Again, I’m so sorry. Sorry that I need to tell you that we hardly know of the horrors of Marcos dictatorship, too. And please do not forget that there were really people who suffered during the Martial Law years.

Maybe you are thinking that it is the mindset of most people now — that Filipinos not from the north are against us– but no.

They are against the Martial Law years. They are just expressing their disappointments against the human rights violations; against the nationwide chaos (maybe brought about by communism as we were taught); against the deaths, inhumanity, tortures, and all things bad. It’s just that it started and ended during FEM regime.

We are not to blame. They are not against us. They are not against Ilocos. And just because they are “against Marcos”, doesn’t necessarily mean they are pro- someone.

They are like us — they are for the Philippines. They also need that “nationwide healing” as much as we badly need that unity and forgiveness.

I am not telling you to stop fighting for what you believe in, though. But I am sorry because your voice may not be heard because you are not in Manila. Your struggle of fighting for the Marcoses will not be as loud as the ones in the Metro, but stand your ground. Just express what you know, say what you need to say, and do what you think is right as long as you do not hurt, much ridicule, anyone.

Have you read that Facebook post talking about a thesis topic of “How teachers in Ilocos teach students of Marcos history and shit?” Do not worry, nothing we are/were taught of are “shit”, and there is nothing near that “shit”. Ilocos teachers are amazing, yes?

Where do we go from here? Actually I don’t know. Perhaps just embrace the change.

Marcos is from Ilocos Norte and if people ostracize you for being an Ilocano (like what they are doing to me), just smile. Whatever smart-shaming you hear, just remember that it is not a sin to be born in Ilocos Norte, or in Ilocos, or in the North for the matter.

You might reach a phase when you will be too sick and tired of answering questions about the Marcoses (like me) but I hope you will not stop being brave.. for the country and its people.

This article was also featured in When in Manila. xx

To my Best Friend who Fell in Love with Me

Published on by Neyzielle Ronnicque1 Comment

First things first, why?

I thought we had this unwritten agreement to not fall in love with each other because we were both content of just being best of friends?

I remember this one time, when we were goofing around, and you suddenly stopped, looked at me in the eyes, and told me I will never be the type of girl you will fall in love with—because I’m loud, I have a lot of dramas and rants in life, and I am far to what your dream girlfriend is like – then why?tumblr_l9mlwjPDxn1qd94w9o1_500_largeYou constantly reminded me that I have some sort of irresponsible mischief-style when I use my time because I have a bad decision-making skill—changing plans in a spur of the moment.

You always nag me to dress and act like a girl but also scold me when I do. You always find out something wrong about the guys checking on me and I thought that was just your way of protecting me. I misunderstood your acts all along.

I know that you always choose to hang out with me over your girlfriend and even your squad whenever I come home for a vacation. We both agreed that there is nothing wrong with that. Your girlfriend even hated me because you consequently ditched your usual movie time together just to drive me to the beach or to the mountains to do nothing but take my selfies.

I actually thought that I am more important than her because you always turn to me when things between you guys are in chaos. You even told me that she doesn’t behave the way I do and she hates the things I love. The comparison was so overwhelming that I told you to focus more on making your relationship work. It did, my God, it did.

She blocked me on Facebook, deleted my number on your contact list, and even forced you to change your number because she didn’t want you communicating with me. I didn’t know what exactly happened but you found your way back to me, telling me you broke up with her because you can no longer put up with her childish acts, you silly.

Your parents also let you go out with me even if I’m still outside your house to ask for their permission. I am your best friend and I am an honorary member of your family, remember?

What am I just trying to say is, I am your best friend, as I am a best friend to the other men inside our clique, but why did you fall in love with me?

They say that the most heartbreaking breakup is not of a couple but of best friends. Man, they were right all along.

I asked you if you were sedated, barren, or something when you dropped the bomb because I was not ready to know it yet. I was not really expecting it to come from you.

Yes, you know this is not the first time it happened. You knew guys who were also my best friends telling me the exact feelings as you do, and you also knew that I didn’t have any second thought of turning them all down. So why did you even bother?

You are my best friend. Your idea of fun and mine is completely compatible. We were always there for each other and we were each other’s crying shoulder. But why, why did you fall in love with me?

There is a persistent haunting feeling of wanting you back, not because I don’t have anyone to tell my problems to anymore but because I miss you, I miss us. Can I have my best friend back?