Category: Dear self,

Dear Universe, Watch Me Win

Published on by Neyzielle RonnicqueLeave a comment

It has been a constant battle of “what wolf wins?” lately, and it came to a point tonight that I realized the one I feed is taking the victory by storm.

I call it rage.

Sometimes it’s pain, other times it’s anger.

I hadn’t felt this familiar nudge for a long time. Or maybe I had but I was so used to keeping it hidden at the far back of my chafe closet that letting it out was a waste of time for someone who’d rather work or sleep or study or eat. You see, there wasn’t enough space to take it all in, so I did what I do best: ignore it and let it pass grow.

So it grew. It turned out to be my dreaded anger energy. And I hated it so much because it meant that I should cry my heart out again to lighten the burden. I don’t know how to feel about that either.

So, to ease myself up, I want to share a story of bottled-up anger– a moment that ignited a fire that left me burning with hatred. One so intense that it threatened to consume the very essence of my remaining logic.

Someone indirectly told me that I was not good enough, and that’s something I will not forget. No, not for a long time.

But here’s the twist: I am more than good enough. I have never given up on making myself better in every aspect just for someone to ruin that.

We’ve all been there – the moment when someone’s words or actions trigger a storm of emotions within us. It’s as if they’ve taken a sledgehammer to our self-esteem, leaving us feeling wounded and vulnerable. So just like any other eldest daughter in an Asian household, my first line of defense was to prove them wrong.

Do I let them define me? NO.

Do I rise above them and show the world of my worth that they try so hard to tear down? YES.

So Universe, watch me win. I want you to watch me win because despite one person telling me I can’t, there are a few hundred who constantly remind me that I will. The chorus of support, belief, and encouragement from those who see my potential far outweighs the solitary voice of doubt that tries to shake my foundation. This is a declaration to the Universe that I refuse to be defined by negativity; I am fueled by the unwavering faith of those who know that I am capable of achieving far more than I set my heart on.

Watch me win because the journey to self-discovery and self-acceptance can be tough, but it’s also incredibly rewarding. Let me feel the rage, let me ease the pain. Let me feel all those negative emotions at once. Let me cry. But please always remind me that I’ve embraced my imperfections, learned from my mistakes, and grown stronger with every setback I had to face. So I refuse to be defined by one person’s opinion or a single moment of doubt.

I am more than capable. I am more than enough.

So, dear universe, watch me win. Watch me as I conquer my fears, shatter limitations, and reach heights I never thought possible.

This is my journey, and I am determined to make it a victorious one– even if people’s insecurity about my security tries to cast shadows on my path.

I want you to watch me win.

An Open Letter to Ilocano Youth

Published on by Neyzielle RonnicqueLeave a comment

An Open Letter to my Ilocano generation,

Especially to those who are younger than me: It is not a sin to be born in Ilocos Norte.

I know why you fight hard for the glory and fame of our Apong, especially now that the fire about the burial issue keeps on burning. I know because I grew up like you. Perhaps I know so well.

Through my childhood, I have heard stories, beautiful ones indeed, of how former President Ferdinand Marcos took good care of our country. I have read magazines, publications, and newspaper cutouts of how bravely he put into effect important economic reforms.

I have learned in school that under his regime, there were undeniable developments of industries that employed many Filipinos, thus providing valuable goods and trades in and for the country. I was taught and I have learned so much more.

I know you did, too. Maybe you are still learning about it today. But I am so sorry.

Most of the people rallying in EDSA maybe do not know the whole Martial Law story. But please DO NOT use the “you were not even born yet” logic against them. Please do not tell them to not use those bridges, buildings, roadworks, and offices because everything that was/is built under any government project is for the people, Marcos regime included.

We have learned, and you are learning, about how great of a leader Marcos was, but like us, the people in the metro have access to information and historical “truth”. We are taught about the “Marcos good things” and they were educated about things most likely otherwise.

It’s just that we came from Ilocos Norte that it hurts when they throw rocks at our Apong. Are we to blame if it has always been a part of our heritage? No.

Again, I’m so sorry. Sorry that I need to tell you that we hardly know of the horrors of Marcos dictatorship, too. And please do not forget that there were really people who suffered during the Martial Law years.

Maybe you are thinking that it is the mindset of most people now — that Filipinos not from the north are against us– but no.

They are against the Martial Law years. They are just expressing their disappointments against the human rights violations; against the nationwide chaos (maybe brought about by communism as we were taught); against the deaths, inhumanity, tortures, and all things bad. It’s just that it started and ended during FEM regime.

We are not to blame. They are not against us. They are not against Ilocos. And just because they are “against Marcos”, doesn’t necessarily mean they are pro- someone.

They are like us — they are for the Philippines. They also need that “nationwide healing” as much as we badly need that unity and forgiveness.

I am not telling you to stop fighting for what you believe in, though. But I am sorry because your voice may not be heard because you are not in Manila. Your struggle of fighting for the Marcoses will not be as loud as the ones in the Metro, but stand your ground. Just express what you know, say what you need to say, and do what you think is right as long as you do not hurt, much ridicule, anyone.

Have you read that Facebook post talking about a thesis topic of “How teachers in Ilocos teach students of Marcos history and shit?” Do not worry, nothing we are/were taught of are “shit”, and there is nothing near that “shit”. Ilocos teachers are amazing, yes?

Where do we go from here? Actually I don’t know. Perhaps just embrace the change.

Marcos is from Ilocos Norte and if people ostracize you for being an Ilocano (like what they are doing to me), just smile. Whatever smart-shaming you hear, just remember that it is not a sin to be born in Ilocos Norte, or in Ilocos, or in the North for the matter.

You might reach a phase when you will be too sick and tired of answering questions about the Marcoses (like me) but I hope you will not stop being brave.. for the country and its people.

This article was also featured in When in Manila. xx

Ilocos Norte Born

Published on by Neyzielle RonnicqueLeave a comment

I remember a relative telling me, “Yung mga ka-age mo kasi or mga mas bata pa, sila ang maraming sinasabi against sa mga Marcoses. Hindi pa naman sila buhay nun.”

For a brief moment, I could not talk.

Let me make this straight, I am talking in the perspective of a 22-year old citizen, born and raised in Ilocos Norte. No matter how hard I try, I am deeply rooted to and connected with the positive ideals about the Marcoses.

But I am not complaining.

In Elementary through High School, I was taught of the plethora of positive effects of the Marcos regime in the Philippines – of how OPM, arts, culture, traditions, and ethnicity, among others were enhanced and emphasized. Of the reason why “Apong” implemented Martial Law is because the country was in chaos; out of control because of the penetration of communism. Of how Philippines was one of the richest countries in Asia, and how the economy declined after his reign, drastically.

Until I entered UP. There are many things I didn’t know about. I didn’t know about the tortures, the disruption of information and communication (media outfits ordered to close down), the sufferings, the trauma and pain of people fighting for their freedom and civil liberty. All I know is that discipline was instilled, curfews were implemented, military presence were all over, and bad men were punished, albeit forcibly.

But PLEASE DO NOT BLAME THE PEOPLE IN ILOCOS NORTE. I keep reading posts from people generalizing that the mistakes from the past were Ilocanos’ fault. Let me get this straight: WE DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT.

Please do not blame, smart-shame, ridicule, and ostracize the people who are posting about the glory and fame of the Marcoses because like me, they had more than enough of the Marcos allegory growing up.

I remember the discussion in my class last night: “We are presented with [media] messages that are interpreted in different ways depending on our cultural background, economic standing, and even personal experiences.” We are all exposed to different values, attitudes, interests, and community ideologies.

These are ours – already embedded in our everyday lives. Some of us might know how to reject and accept new information about the Martial Law issue; but for many, it is quite hard to incorporate the information to their existing knowledge structure.

But PLEASE do not blame the people in Ilocos Norte. We are sincerely sorry about what happened to Martial Law victims– but obstinate as it sounds, the (Ilocano) youth today do not have anything to do with the torture which started 44 years ago.

We are sorry but PLEASE do not put the blame solely to the people in Ilocos Norte.