Author: Neyzielle Ronnicque

As the roof makes this steady, calming sound from the raindrops pouring nonstop, my mind effortlessly wandered to my what if wonderland.

What if I was home today? What if I just stopped writing that thesis? What if my Papa gets sick? What if my Mom is not okay? What if my brothers get married? What if I accepted that scholarship? What if I move to a city that no one actually knows me? What if I stop caring? Like totally?

There is just too many what if’s, it’s flooding my being; and I am swept by the strong current of frustrations creeping in .

Today it rained, and as the thunders roar from the distant, my inner struggles did, too. I am mad, I am disappointed, and I am frustrated. I am not myself, and I know I am not supposed to be feeling this way. There is just too much things inside my head that I can never name of, and it’s making me irritated all the more.

Is life supposed to be this way? Do we live life to experience a momentary happiness and then it comes crashing in a heartbeat so next thing we know, we are empty, we are crying, and our spirals hold us captive we can’t break fee.

As if in some sort of divine intervention, the visible ray of the sun beamed bright, but it’s raining. It’s raining, but it’s bright. How am I supposed to make sense of that?

Then I realised, I was back to entertaining my pity-party. I am feeling my age and it exhausts me to the brim. It is a never-ending tightening spiral that I can never let go of. It is a sporadic pendulum that makes living a dread.

I guess what I am just trying to say is, today it rained.. and rain either makes me feel good, or it makes me a bitter crap. Today it rained, and even if how much I try to calm myself and submit to denial, I feel sad, alone, lonely.. and afraid. I have no one to tell that to.

Today it rained. So hard that I feel like giving up.

Some days are dreadful, some days are just.. okay. Some days are happy, most days, though, are spent thinking about the uncertainties of the future. You think about the bad choices, insecurities, and seemingly endless catching up to the lives of people your age. It is outright tiring.

You think about your high school classmates getting married; or your childhood friend enjoying her wine in her own condo unit all because of that managerial position; or how your neighbor has been travelling to countries you only dream of going. Thinking about those things definitely cultivates constant doubts, so you remind yourself to be more open and actually go on dates, or work harder to be promoted, or save enough for your own house, for Tokyo and Bali. But it just doesn’t end there.

The insecurity gyre will just tighten, so you think about changing careers, applying for odd jobs abroad, or even consider going back to school for a master’s degree—anything to feed your delusional level of confidence; anything to remain consistently inspired and motivated. And just when you thought the stars are finally aligning for your dreams, another insecurity tic will pop out of nowhere. Then you are back to thinking about how slow your life has been. Back to square one, back to never-ending self-doubt, back to the pity-party you put upon yourself.

You will have trillions of breakdowns. You will have sleepless nights thinking about what could have beens. But who has not done the same at some moment in their lives?

You are completely fine. You don’t need to feel good about yourself every time. You are entitled to your own hurt and insecurities. You are free to feel bad about yourself. It is okay to feel lost and empty at the age of 26. You have your own pace, sweetheart. It may be slow, but it is the only way to survive.

You will, in one way or another, feel insane.. “and people only allow themselves the luxury of being insane when they are in a position to do so.” So please. Please do not lose your innocent vision of justice and career. Please do not let yourself get used to blaming your past bad decisions. Allow yourself to feel guilty and threatened, but please do not live with the guilt and threat for the rest of your life.

I pray that you no longer have to worry about pleasing anyone but yourself because you have your own pace. You have your own timeline and you will achieve your dreams soon because you can. I hope that you will go back to loving your passion, even if sometimes you fight with only that faint desire to live. Your soul is light, and you are radiant, and every decision you make—the good or even the bad– will matter in no time.

You are mature, experienced (wo)man who knows what she wants and is perfectly capable of making her own choices.

You have your own pace, sweetheart. Take it easy. After all, you are lovely.

We all struggle with the choices we make in the daily. It is a constant battle that we unconsciously fight. One mistake and it could ruin our lives, one right move and every positive things will align. Frank as it may sound, but when the fight actually starts, you consciously know what’s needed to be done.