Everyone we both personally know keeps on telling me that I’m still on to you. That I’m just so great at hiding what I feel… because it’s too good to be true.
Maybe that’s the worst part of being able to stay quiet all around, never telling one or two of what had gone to me the moment I decided that I am not for you, as you are not for me.
It’s an exaggeration that my world fell apart the moment we had that unwritten agreement that, “Yeahright, it ain’t gonna work out anymore.” It was an unacceptable connotation even. You see? Awan nasakit nga bakrang, kunada ngarod.
I need to be honest. There was no second thought, nor considering other options. Not even a hint of guilt that I was leaving the man I loved for a very long time without even explaining to him why. I thought you knew, I thought it was part of your plans, too.
I want to tell you that sometimes I don’t have a choice in the matter.
The only thing that keeps bothering me is the promise, or promises maybe, you, for all the people in the world, broke. I anticipated the fact that you weren’t gonna be there on my graduation as I was there in yours, which the proof, you told me, is your deployment because you are this and that and blah blah blah. Nah. I forgot about those now, that is the only thing I am holding on to.. that’s why I hated you.
Again, that wrong timing of separation became an angel in disguise for me to find myself in the middle of chaos life have brought.
I realized that I am tired of the fights a relationship brings. That for the months that I relied only to myself in dealing with my problems because you weren’t there, I learned to trust my decisions more than anyone. That life is so much fulfilling if I, for my best interest, spend my time on reading books than going out with other people wasting time, effort, and yes, money.
That God, in my distress, was there to rescue me the moment I was badly seeking for company.
Forgiveness is the key, they always say to me. But how can I forgive you when I don’t even feel like you did anything wrong to me? I was the first to let go.
They tell me to move on, and I always answer them with a question of, “Why should I move on if I don’t need that one to grow?”
If “moving on” is their word of me talking about ‘what happened to us’ – just because it was my way to somehow ease the anxieties and on and on -so be it.
But I guess I let go the moment you let go of my hand in that military camp when I was about to tell you to help me realize why I came there in the first place. Yet, you chose to talk to that girl and treated me like I was not existing.
That moment, I finally realized that the only part of me that needs to move on is.. nothing. Baby, it is called living.
And you know what? Really, I’m better off alone.
Neyziellewanders 