Neyzielle Ronnicque

To all the Kids I Bullied, I’m Sorry

Published on September 28, 2015September 28, 2015 by Neyzielle RonnicqueLeave a comment

I saw a kid bullying another kid while I was on my way to UP today. I was so tired because I only had roughly 4 hours of sleep from the long weekend because of school requirements that I had to finish. I was also running late but still I approached them because this bully is obviously far bigger than the kid he was hurting. I told him to stop, he did and he ran as if he was afraid of me.

This boy (the bullied one) looked up at me teary-eyed. I told him it was okay, I told him to stand up for himself next time. I left burdened because I remember, I was a bully (Yes, it consequentially manifests sometimes).I absentmindedly walked to the IKOT terminal in Philcoa and I suddenly remembered what a pastor preached at church two Sundays ago. I murdered some kids’ self-esteem, I deprived them of their chances to grow.

I thought I am okay now that I have forgiven all the people who did me wrong from the past, but it dawned on me that I am not, because I still did not forgive the elementary kid me—the competitive, always the President of the class, leader of the pact, stubborn Alpha kid, that was me.

To all the kids I bullied and have wronged for when I was in elementary, I am sorry. I am not writing this blog post to justify what I did, I am writing this to wholeheartedly ask for your forgiveness. Because I am tired from struggling to find what has been bothering me, little did I know that it’s internal and no one’s to blame but me.

Sorry that I was the bossy one, sorry that I thought highly of myself. Sorry, I didn’t realize how much hatred I put into your hearts, sorry that I only became your ‘friend’ if others were bullying you, too. Sorry for the times when you tried to reach out for me and I was so distant because of my ego. I’m really sorry. I didn’t know what I was doing, I didn’t know you were hurting.

And to my friends who were caught between doing what I wanted them to do or staying neutral when it comes to my bullying plans, I am also very sorry. Thank you, though, for still standing up for me when the need rises. See, I’m still strong and always one of the boys. ~ *fistbump*

Sorry that I never said sorry when I had the time, sorry that it’s only now. I am so sorry. I know some of you will be reading this because despite of what I did to you, you still smile at me sincerely and tell me that I am inspiring you for what I am doing whenever we bump into each other. Thank you for remaining true to me at times that I didn’t return the favour.

Let’s catch up soon.

I thought it was fun to bully the people who seemed to be afraid of me, now, I realize that I was never happy, I was the one who is lonely.

To all the kids I bullied, please forgive me so I can finally forgive myself.

No One Loves an Annoying Girl

Published on September 16, 2015September 16, 2015 by Neyzielle RonnicqueLeave a comment

“Ever had the moment of hating something as much as how you used to love them?” she asks. Only to find out that she doesn’t have someone to ask to in the first place. Her 16-year old self loved the long hours of trip back home because she has all the time in the world to divert into the realm of imagining perfect scenarios inside her head.

Maybe she dwelled into that world a little too much that her only way out is to be incorrigibly annoying and noisy most of the time.

So, this is the life of the girl you wouldn’t want to meet, but you did, and you have to deal with it for the rest of your life.This annoying girl laughs a lot but she craves space. She talks about anything too much, but she always makes way to recharge her batteries because it makes her breath. When she’s happy, she lets the whole world know. When she’s sad, she keeps it to herself. And when it gets to the point that she can’t fathom the degree of sadness anymore, she completely shuts down.

Her eyes. They used to shine so bright. And her smile used to come off naturally. But she knows that she is weird, twisted, and drowning in life’s ocean so she reminds herself that she is unlovable. Until she stopped being bright. Her head grew a list of things she has done wrong then suddenly, it was dark.

This girl sometimes disappoints herself because she knows that she is better than the choices she makes and the things she chooses to deal with. She finds it difficult to believe that a person would love her even when she isn’t trying.

She is annoying. She is noisy. She is outspoken. She argues when things don’t go her ways. She is stubborn, pathetic, paranoid, and awful. She is the girl no one is set to love. Tonight, however, she wants to tell you that if you’re feeling blue, try to paint yourself with a different color. She wants to assure you that when you are sad and afraid and broken and jaded, she will not be there to tell you, “It will get better.” She will be there to tell you that it’s okay to feel those emotions and your feelings are always validated.

She will never tell you how much happier you could be should you chose the easy way out. She will never blame you for being you, at this very moment. She will always be there to tell you that you are strong, you have been strong, and you will always be strong.

She wants to tell you that it is okay not to always be okay.

She wants, above all else, to tell you that you both are going to figure out what you want to do. You will be who you really are, who you used to be without taking any reservations, doubt, and self-harm. Maybe you still don’t know how to make it today but you’ll eventually figure it out.

But babe, she wants to tell you to stop thinking, for a second, that someone will like the way you annoying-ly talk and make senseless noise. She begs you to please try to be silent for a while lest just stay positive. The things you are waiting and praying for, tend to arrive at the most unexpected moments.

Just stop being annoying. No one will love you for that.

Letter I will never send // To myself ~

50 Questions x 50 answers ~

Published on September 14, 2015September 17, 2015 by Neyzielle RonnicqueLeave a comment

1: What would you name your future daughter?

Jinien Ronle

2: Do you miss anyone?

I miss my Papa more than anyone else

3: What if I told you that you were pretty?

I never believed that phrase ever since 1993

4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?

5: What are you looking forward to in the next week?

Nothing. I’m a bum.

6: Did you go out or stay in last night?

Stayed and watched a feel-good movie with my favourite people

7: How late did you stay up last night?

12, I think

8: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?

9: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?

Youth fellowship in church

10: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?

No because when I tell someone ‘I love you’, there’s no question asked. I mean it a lot.

11: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?

Of course. I don’t drink (duuuh)

12: Have you pretended to like someone?

Yas, and just let it out after. Dude, I’m a storm, I devastate.

13: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?

Yes, I don’t smoke, never did, and don’t intend to.

14: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

Yaaaas.

15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?

I easily fall for someone and also easily get over [them].

16: Think back five months ago, were you single?

17: Have you ever cried from being so mad?

To the highest point of being mad, yes.

18: Hold hands with anyone this week?

Nope

19: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?

I can’t even remember the last one but definitely none of the above

20: Who did you last see in person?

My cousin

21: What is the last thing you said out lot?

“I’m okay.”

22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?

Nope

23: Have you ever been to Paris?

Not yet. Soon.

24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?

I perfected the art of doing so

25: Do you use chap stick?

Noooo! I don’t even know how to properly apply a lip gloss.

26: Who did you last share a bed with?

My cousin

27: Are you listening to music right now?

28: What is something you currently want right now?

A legit DSLR. A camera for my Journalism classes.

29: Were your last three kisses from the same person?

Uhm, yea (?)

30: How is your heart lately?

Healed

31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?

32: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?

I don’t know

33: What do people call you?

Nikki

34: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?

I always do

35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?

Technically work and school?

36: What are you listening to right now?

Our God is greater by Chris Tomlin

37: What is wrong with you right now?

I don’t know. Maybe I over think a lot.

38: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?

When you get that love in return, dude.

39: Do you make wishes at 11:11?

I pray.

40: What is on your wrists right now?

A wristwatch on my left. Yes, no blade marks.

41: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused/waiting for the unexpected?

Single

42: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing?

I bought it in Hawaii

43: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

44: Have you hugged someone within the last week?

Change it to two weeks ago, I hugged my cousins who already went home to Hawaii.

45: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?

I haven’t for the last three years

46: What were you doing at midnight last night?

Watching a movie? Sleeping? I didn’t have the sense of time

47: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?

At work, yes. But I’m totally fine now.

48: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?

Depends on who the someone is but because I’m better off alone, I choose alone.

49: Have you ever been to New York?

Not yet, it’s in my bucket list

50: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?

I believe my girl best friend really meant it