Neyzielle Ronnicque

I know this Girl

Published on April 18, 2016April 28, 2016 by Neyzielle RonnicqueLeave a comment

I know this girl who is tired and sad and I tell her every waking day not to worry because with little time and love, things will get better. This girl was told to follow her heart but hers is torn into many pieces. It left her hanging, wondering what piece she shall follow.

I know this girl who took the initiative to further her education at 21 to make something for herself, career wise. She was told that she is too young to make such mature decisions but I believe that she’s old enough to keep herself stimulated.I know this girl who wears t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers to office but sports her pencil skirt and wedges in going to rice-all-you-can food hubs. She was told a million times that she must dress properly but I reminded her to choose her own style.

I know this girl who owns hundreds of books but she hasn’t read half of it. She feels most comfortable with her feet up on a couch, holding a yellow or green highlighter, sipping a cup of her favorite mocha-flavored coffee. She was told to stop buying books she doesn’t have intention of reading but I convince her to do otherwise.

I know this girl who travels a lot, usually alone, even if it meant spending the too little savings she has. She was told that her lifestyle is some sort of luxury but I know she finds herself while lost in an unfamiliar land.I know this girl whose best friends are mostly guys and she was told that it’s borderline terrifying. But she reminds me that the greatest physical danger she is facing is not being able to go out with other guys because her best friends are invariably, incorrigibly protective.

I know this girl whom her friends regard as an alpha woman and someone they would trade lives in a heartbeat. She is always appreciated for being independent—of paying her own bills, having a job, buying her own necessities, and getting her graduate studies all at the same time. She was told that she is a wife material but this alpha woman always ends up doing things alone.I know this girl who thinks she’s doing okay then suddenly it’s a nighttime and she’s alone and she’s not really sure how to distract herself anymore. This girl wants to believe that things are good inside her, and even when they are not, she thinks they will soon be enough.

I know this girl who wants to tell someone, anyone for the matter, about the things that are going inside her head but everyone else is busy with someone, and she feels completely alone.

I know this girl who was not herself for weeks, yet nobody noticed.

Amazing Grace

Published on March 8, 2016April 28, 2016 by Neyzielle RonnicqueLeave a comment

How sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.

This has been on top of my playlist for the past three weeks now. In that three weeks, I have been thinking about the people who literally meant so much to me when I was younger. I was asking God why I constantly bump with Amazing Grace in social media feed each time I wanted to throw hatred to these people.

Six, seven years ago, we were so close; we were each other’s shield and here we are, trying to backfire as soon as someone is put down secretly. Each time I wanted to do the same, I pray and ask God for peace and again I am led to singing Amazing Grace. Oh t’was grace that taught my heart to fear.

I never wanted to believe the mantra that “we don’t lose friends; we just learn who the true ones are,” because I never wanted to lose friends while I’m distant and trying to figure myself out. Then it dawned on me that it is inevitable.As I have posted on my Facebook account, the issue was five, six months ago. I didn’t intend to boast and to be mean. I just wanted to sincerely say sorry and humbly ask to settle the misunderstanding, though they were the first to think wrong about me. But it turned out that I’m still the culprit- I became the subject of barkada tsismis.

I never had that tolerance to people whose judgement is so bad that even a simple, “Please take care of yourselves,” was an issue to them. I was even accused of blurting out remarks I can’t even remember saying. But then again, I remember singing, “The Lord has promised good to me. His word my hope secures. He will my shield and portion be as long as life endures.” That time, I knew I was doing the right thing of making a comment once, then leave them thinking why I had to make that choice.

I did not know why I kept singing the same song over and over again until last Friday, I decided to change my playlist. I totally forgot the question of why opportunities insist of that song repeatedly. Until this Sunday, it was one of the songs during our praise and worship time.

I don’t know if it was coincidence but I kept on asking signs from the Lord. Today, I’ll leave the signs hanging there. I was crying during the service because I finally understood why I am saved by His amazing grace. My question, on the other hand, was answered during the service.

The message was about forgiveness.

In my Facebook post, I just wanted them to know that I was offended but I chose to forgive them. I was hurt that I was absentmindedly ridiculed but I chose to try and understand where they were coming from. I chose to forgive just how my Savior has forgiven my sins through His amazing grace.

I did it because I know that I’m undeserving of God’s love; I have taken Him for granted but His love for me is steadfast. He left the 99 sheep in search for the lost one. I am that one. They are lost, I am praying that they will be found anytime soon.

My chains are gone; I’ve been set free. I was blind but now I see.

I may be losing friends but “God who called me here below will be forever mine.”

Also, they were talking about and against a different person now, just so you know.

I was crying during the service because God was giving me signs that seemed unreal and impossible. I know maybe this time, [insert pronoun here] is not meant for me, but I trust His will for me. ~

Reaching Point

Published on February 21, 2016August 10, 2016 by Neyzielle RonnicqueLeave a comment

Reaching a point in my life where I realize I am, as usual, different. I am feeling like people around me cannot see how weird life is working when adulthood changes ‘normal’ daily grind for the worst.

Reaching a point where I feel like this year still did not offer me the compensation I deserve from the losses and frustrations I substantially gained last year. The reason: I am not what I want to be, I am still not what I need to be. But then again, what should I expect when my life’s share of positive vibe is draining faster than the dreadful negatives?Reaching a point where I undeniably need an escape. This is not where I wished I was. I should be near the beach or camping on a mountain or just at home with my family. But I feel like I’m stuck in the world full of worries about my future and studies, boxed with the idea that I need to build a ‘home’ inside the confines of my dread and weary.

Reaching a point in my life where I just want to do nothing for a day, or a week, much more for a month.

Reaching a point of questioning my purpose in life – because I don’t want to live the life of again asking money from my parents when I should be the one giving back to them at this age.

Reaching a point where again, I do not know where to go, where to be, what to do, and what to think. I am all messed up; my decisions are in complete haywire.

Is this a fair share of the universe’s decision for my fate? Because if it is, I now decide that February is just another trial month like January. I’ll sort my life out on March, crossing fingers.

But where does one go when she now reached every point of solitude and cannot go anywhere further?