Author: Neyzielle Ronnicque

She has a wanderfilled way of becoming her dreams.

Dear Universe, Watch Me Win

Published on by Neyzielle RonnicqueLeave a comment

It has been a constant battle of “what wolf wins?” lately, and it came to a point tonight that I realized the one I feed is taking the victory by storm.

I call it rage.

Sometimes it’s pain, other times it’s anger.

I hadn’t felt this familiar nudge for a long time. Or maybe I had but I was so used to keeping it hidden at the far back of my chafe closet that letting it out was a waste of time for someone who’d rather work or sleep or study or eat. You see, there wasn’t enough space to take it all in, so I did what I do best: ignore it and let it pass grow.

So it grew. It turned out to be my dreaded anger energy. And I hated it so much because it meant that I should cry my heart out again to lighten the burden. I don’t know how to feel about that either.

So, to ease myself up, I want to share a story of bottled-up anger– a moment that ignited a fire that left me burning with hatred. One so intense that it threatened to consume the very essence of my remaining logic.

Someone indirectly told me that I was not good enough, and that’s something I will not forget. No, not for a long time.

But here’s the twist: I am more than good enough. I have never given up on making myself better in every aspect just for someone to ruin that.

We’ve all been there – the moment when someone’s words or actions trigger a storm of emotions within us. It’s as if they’ve taken a sledgehammer to our self-esteem, leaving us feeling wounded and vulnerable. So just like any other eldest daughter in an Asian household, my first line of defense was to prove them wrong.

Do I let them define me? NO.

Do I rise above them and show the world of my worth that they try so hard to tear down? YES.

So Universe, watch me win. I want you to watch me win because despite one person telling me I can’t, there are a few hundred who constantly remind me that I will. The chorus of support, belief, and encouragement from those who see my potential far outweighs the solitary voice of doubt that tries to shake my foundation. This is a declaration to the Universe that I refuse to be defined by negativity; I am fueled by the unwavering faith of those who know that I am capable of achieving far more than I set my heart on.

Watch me win because the journey to self-discovery and self-acceptance can be tough, but it’s also incredibly rewarding. Let me feel the rage, let me ease the pain. Let me feel all those negative emotions at once. Let me cry. But please always remind me that I’ve embraced my imperfections, learned from my mistakes, and grown stronger with every setback I had to face. So I refuse to be defined by one person’s opinion or a single moment of doubt.

I am more than capable. I am more than enough.

So, dear universe, watch me win. Watch me as I conquer my fears, shatter limitations, and reach heights I never thought possible.

This is my journey, and I am determined to make it a victorious one– even if people’s insecurity about my security tries to cast shadows on my path.

I want you to watch me win.

An Open Letter to My Best Friend in Heaven

Published on by Neyzielle RonnicqueLeave a comment

You know every time I come home to Ilocos and visit your grave, I always ask you to come and visit me even if it’s just for a quick hello?

It took you 17 months.

I can’t tell if it was my bottled-up anger, disgust, and frustration or maybe some subliminal emotions that finally brought you around, but after all this time, you’re still the only person who can tell me the right words at the right time.

The ache of missing you remains because out of nowhere, you were there in a coffee shop with me, just casually sipping your favorite iced matcha latte Vividly, you turned to me, held my hand, and in your calm but always stern voice, you said:

“Ukinnam, agtalna kan, is-stress’em lang bagbagim. Ammok nga kayang-kayam, ngem agtalna kan, true?”

And then your favorite word: “Pakasisikuram?“

I woke up crying, almost inconsolable. Thank God, I was beside my boyfriend.

Is this your message from the grave? You only appeared and visited me when I was beyond anyone else’s control. It’s as if our connection thrived in those moments of unbridled freedom.

But don’t worry, bebe, the support has been outpouring– overwhelming even– and the private reassurances were nothing but immense. Friends have been reaching out, checking up on me, and their words of wisdom had been incredibly helpful to tame the beast of your best friend. They were telling me the very same thing you reminded me of in my dreams, and I appreciate you all so much.

Right now, as I sit here surrounded by memories, it hits me how much I miss you. Our memories together, the laughter, the plans we shared – they all rush back in a bittersweet wave.

Honestly, I know that missing you might never really go away, but I find some comfort in thinking that you’re out there somewhere, maybe watching the world twirl by. You know, you left this space that can’t be filled by anyone else. But then again, I guess that’s what makes the bond we had so special.

You can always find your way into my dreams; I promise, your presence would be more than welcome there.

I love you, bebe, and I miss you again and again, more than and beyond its meaning.

I hope you’re happy up there.

I get silent when it hurts a lot

Published on by Neyzielle RonnicqueLeave a comment

Have you ever had those days when you don’t know where the sadness comes from so you stare at your walls and ceilings trying to pinpoint what’s causing your dread? Or those days that people are inviting you over for gatherings, but you chose to stay alone at home?

How about those days that you don’t feel anything at all, but there is this intense pain that’s eating you alive?

Yes, those days.

I would like to believe that this is still an extension and a manifestation of my grief, but I’ve mastered the art of sleeping when I get sad. I get silent when it hurts a little too much.

I deactivate my social media accounts; I don’t respond to messages unless work-related; I become indifferent towards other people; and I don’t go out at all.

I can find all the excuses in the world to just not go out and deal with other people– but then I become way too hard on myself for not doing anything for me to feel alive.

I don’t even entertain romantic relationships anymore, because I feel like any guy doesn’t deserve a mentally unstable, emotionally wrecked little girl, because it is not his job to make me whole. The slightest sign of affection makes me anxious. No, don’t do that.

But I get sad if they stop; and I get sad a lot.

So I get silent when it hurts too much.

Not that anybody cares.