Author: Neyzielle Ronnicque

She has a wanderfilled way of becoming her dreams.

I am tired, but Isaiah 41:10

Published on by Neyzielle Ronnicque1 Comment

Life has been full of struggles lately, and I am tired. 

That lingering feeling of dread, of something missing, of something painful has been keeping me awake at night. It stays until the wee hours of the morning to the point that I need to force myself to sleep by listening to sleep playlists on Youtube or Spotify; but even in my dreams, my smile doesn’t even reach my eyes. I am tired.

There is only too little time in a day yet there’s too many things [that I need] to accomplish; and I would like to believe that my days aren’t numbered yet.. because I still have dreams to reach and promises to fulfill. I still have a life to live, and giants to defeat. Yet I am tired.

It is sad that I need to force myself to be busy to keep myself from falling apart. It is dreadful that I constantly need to remind myself that it’s okay not to be okay and I just need another time to breathe. So I breathe but I am tired.

If this is midlife crisis, or existential crisis, or any term coined to describe how dreadful it is to live with too much energy but too little resources, then I would like to unsubscribe or come out of its shell. I am just tired.

I know what I want to do with my life, but I am stuck. I can’t seem to move on because I don’t know which path should I take to finish what I’ve started. I just want to reach the end of the tunnel, to see the brighter days ahead, but the universe, it seems, is teaching me that there is indeed no shortcut in life. If I want something, I need to work hard to have it. If I want to finish the race, I need to let go of all that shackles and take one step at a time regardless how slow it may be. It seems easy but I am tired.

“Is there even a way out?” 

It has been the question I am asking Him for the longest time. Is there even a way out to all of these never-ending, tangled mishaps of my 2019? Lord, I am tired.

As if on cue, Jeremiah 29:11 popped out from my bible app. “For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” 

And just like that, I cried. Again. I cried because I am just so tired of constantly begging the Lord to give me the life that I deserve; for Him to take away all these problems, frustrations, and anxieties; for Him to give me the rest that I have been asking for the longest time. I am just so tired— of struggling, of running away, of waiting for things I don’t know about.

Then I was reminded of the preaching from last Sunday: God’s timeline is completely different from ours. I may be struggling to keep up with the universe now, but I will be ahead of my game again in no time. I know because I believe in grace so abundant I won’t have to question my existence anymore. But for now, Lord, I am seriously, genuinely tired. 

Whatever I do, however reassurance I deliberately insist on my senses, no matter how many silent cries and howling prayers I do each night, Lord, I am tired. From the bottom of my heart, I am tired.

So Do Not Fear, For I Am With You; Do Not Be Dismayed, For I Am Your God. I Will Strengthen You And Help You; I Will Uphold You With My Righteous Right Hand

I’m all ears;

Published on by Neyzielle Ronnicque3 Comments

Today was particularly gloomy. You can’t count how many times you wanted to book a flight to South Korea because you felt so unmotivated more than ever. And just when you thought your dread could’t get any worse, a news about someone’s suicide broke out.

Then it hit you hard enough to question life — you are always there for people when they need you, but who is there for you?

You have such a strong support system. You have a family who supports everything you do in life. You have people in church who constantly pray for your well-being. You have best friends who occasionally update you with their milestones. You have a job that pays the bills. People at work are nice. It all seems okay, but sometimes, you are just your biggest enemy.

You dwell on the negative, consciously ignoring the good things in life because you think you don’t deserve to be happy. Your mind is programmed to the idea that the joy might turn out to be the opposite in the next minute. So you stay sad. You stay scared. You stay in your own bubble that spells failure all throughout. You convince yourself that you are alone. I’m breaking this to you: YOU ARE NOT. I AM WITH YOU. HE IS WITH YOU IN ALL OF YOUR BATTLES (Deuteronomy 3:22).

Love, I’m all ears.

Depression, fueled by anxiety, dread, loneliness, and the feeling of not being good enough is the worst kind of human disease. It may not be physically visible, but it eats you and your soul from the inside out. One thing that might be of help: fix your thoughts.

The world is not black and white, it has vibrant colors and different colorful shades you know existed. If you think your days are dull and boring, go for a run. It eases anxieties. When you think that the universe is unfair and that you cannot share your troubles to anyone, I am here. I’m all ears.

You are beautiful. You are enough. You are loved. You are doing great in life. You are amazing and talented. You have your passion waiting for you to come back. All the great and positive things in this world is waiting for you, so move.

Move, my love. Move even if it takes all your courage to do it. Move. Pick up that phone and call your family. Pick up that phone and call your friends. Pick up that phone and call me. I’m all ears.

Sometimes, all we need is a hug that makes us forget all the dread for a while. I am here. I’ll listen to all that you have to say. Do not, even for a second, think that you don’t have anyone. I am here. I’m all ears.

“I am bent, but not broken. I am scarred, but not disfigured. I am sad, but not hopeless. I am tired, but not powerless. I am angry, but not bitter. I am depressed, but not giving up.”

You’re afraid, but it’s okay

Published on by Neyzielle Ronnicque2 Comments

Every waking day of your life has been dreadful for the last few days, or weeks or months even. You convince yourself today that everything will work out fine, but then that familiar feeling keeps oozing from your veins — you’re afraid. Hello, old friend, how long has it been?

You remind yourself over and over again that the only logical response to your fear is self-assurance, that you can do all things as long as you don’t let the darkness take over your life. So you get up, dress nicely, cling to the idea that life has always been a mess. All you have to do is dispel the dread and start finding your passion. But you can’t even bring yourself to do the things you used to love. It’s debilitating.

Why are you afraid?

Pressure. Restlessness. Anxiety. Yearning.

They are always the same thing. They are always the same reason for your self-doubt. They wade through your consciousness because you let them, don’t you? You are afraid because just when you thought everything is finally coming together, you see it crash before your eyes. That is life reminding you that things don’t always go as planned.

You are afraid because you remain stagnant in life. You are scared because at times when you want to at least move on and do something relevant, something happens and it takes away all the motivation you saved for so long.

But dear self, it’s okay. You can be afraid but still open your heart, ears, and eyes to the people who need your company. Be scared of the unknown because it’s the only way to survive. Fear persists because it’s a natural part of life.

Go back. What do you do when you’re afraid? You pray. You cast all your worries to The One who owns your heart. His words do things differently.

You are afraid to do things your own because you are afraid of the idea of failing. You are scared of the idea of being a failure. Love, it’s okay. It’s okay to be afraid but remember: fear no darkness.

Move on. One step at a time. Again, be afraid, and do it anyway. 

We make our own plans, but the Lord decides where we'll go." - Proverbs 16:9