The sadness tonight is a little too much.

I am trying to be okay by forcing myself to be with people I am comfortable with, but I still feel so… lifeless. It has been this way for so long, and it seems as though I can no longer save myself from the rubble that has been building up since I can’t remember when.

I don’t even want to live anymore. Every day feels like just another day of trying to survive the dread of not having the courage to kill myself. Weird, I don’t want to live, but I don’t want to die either.

Does that even make sense?

Apparently, it does. And it sucks.

It sucks how no one is around at 2AM when all I need is a tight hug or a tight right-hand grip to stop my spirals. It sucks when breathing gets hard and I don’t have anyone to call just because I am too shy to ask. It sucks when all I wanna do is to stay longer with people I feel the most comfortable with, but I still worry that they cannot stay forever with me, or at least any longer.

It sucks that I cannot fully open myself to potential lover/s, because the trauma of not being “enough” still hunts me to this day. It sucks because living gets harder, and the misery is always louder with grief.

It sucks, because these days, these gnawing feelings persist.

I am not okay, but never mind, because maybe, just maybe, one day, things will get better.

And if it does, I hope it lasts.