My close friends, family, and prayer warriors know that I have been praying for a permanent government position for the longest time, so when the opportunity presented itself, I fervently prayed for that position to be mine.

I prayed and wait for it everyday.

But God said no; and oh, boy, was it firm.

As a contract of service worker since 2015, the constant battle of not knowing what to do when a project ends seems a normal scenario. The dread of not being able to receive a monthly salary and not knowing when— time and time again– is a rather constant emotion. Everything is tolerated because, after all, I have bills to pay and family obligations to attend to.

Back to this agency.
Most people around me– at least those who I work with– was so sure that the position was mine. After all, who wrote the first article about the agency? Me. Who was the communication officer whose beats are literally that S&T? Me. Who is the media contact of everything related to that field? It was I.

But still, God said no.

It has been almost two months when I received the email that I wasn’t fit for the position. Was I disappointed? No. Was I disoriented? No. Was I hurt? I guess, yes. But who has not felt the same when your number one prayer request for the year was denied just like that?

At first I didn’t care, primarily because I was too busy managing a communication task for a national event that involved three national agencies. I was too preoccupied with science and technology tasks to even internalise that I didn’t get the job until two weeks later.

My bosses and office friends were nothing but supportive. They thought I was keeping it all in since I had tasks and workload to attend to, so they didn’t bother me with questions. Instead, almost all of them sent me messages of support and (for a lack of better term) sympathy. It was so heartwarming that I cried for the first time in two weeks– not because of the job I didn’t get, but because of the love and trust of these beautiful people around me.

They told me they know no one who can handle the position better than me; and that the passion I have for this kind of job is unparalleled. Their words to console my rather anxious heart were so uplifting that I dedicated the potential energy of self-destruction to becoming a better version of me.

One friend told me to just cry it out if it hurts. I said no, because it didn’t.

I did not cry because I was so ready for whatever the outcome was. I was experiencing something interesting, different, totally unexpected. I still asked for a mental health day, nonetheless.

You see? When I prayed for this job, I also prayed for a change of heart. A heart that’s content of what I currently have, and a heart to accept rejection and dismissal.

I prayed for the Information Officer III job post to be mine– more than anything, if I may add. I prayed a lot, but God still said no, and it was okay.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

What I wasn’t able to tell you is that, more than the position, I also fervently prayed that if God doesn’t want me to have it, He will still make me trust in His will; and that if the position is not for me, He’ll give me something better and grander.

I still don’t know what the future holds, but my heart is at peace knowing that God is still preparing me for the season of finally getting a permanent job that is wonderfully made and prepared just for me. A job position that is way better than what I have been praying for.

One of my friends from my life group told me that not because we have prayed for something, God will grant it to us. He will not give everything we ask for in prayer just because we’ve been praying for it for the longest time.

That hit hard.

But that was also a wake-up call for me.

I’ll tell everyone that it’s okay, because it is; but no one will know how much solitude, bitterness, and resignation I have felt when I talk to God alone. I still pray, and I don’t think I will ever cease doing that. What I know is that I still lay my plans and future to the Lord, and I ask for His guidance before I can just abandon everything.

It’s a painful process. But if God says no to our prayers, it is because He is breaking our hearts to what breaks His. Above all else, He is preparing us the place where He will manifest all of His promises of a better and grander future.

He said no, and so I wait.