As the roof makes this steady, calming sound from the raindrops pouring nonstop, my mind effortlessly wandered to my what if wonderland.

What if I was home today? What if I just stopped writing that thesis? What if my Papa gets sick? What if my Mom is not okay? What if my brothers get married? What if I accepted that scholarship? What if I move to a city that no one actually knows me? What if I stop caring? Like totally?

There is just too many what if’s, it’s flooding my being; and I am swept by the strong current of frustrations creeping in .

Today it rained, and as the thunders roar from the distant, my inner struggles did, too. I am mad, I am disappointed, and I am frustrated. I am not myself, and I know I am not supposed to be feeling this way. There is just too much things inside my head that I can never name of, and it’s making me irritated all the more.

Is life supposed to be this way? Do we live life to experience a momentary happiness and then it comes crashing in a heartbeat so next thing we know, we are empty, we are crying, and our spirals hold us captive we can’t break fee.

As if in some sort of divine intervention, the visible ray of the sun beamed bright, but it’s raining. It’s raining, but it’s bright. How am I supposed to make sense of that?

Then I realised, I was back to entertaining my pity-party. I am feeling my age and it exhausts me to the brim. It is a never-ending tightening spiral that I can never let go of. It is a sporadic pendulum that makes living a dread.

I guess what I am just trying to say is, today it rained.. and rain either makes me feel good, or it makes me a bitter crap. Today it rained, and even if how much I try to calm myself and submit to denial, I feel sad, alone, lonely.. and afraid. I have no one to tell that to.

Today it rained. So hard that I feel like giving up.