This has been a messy, chaotic, unhealthy, financially-draining if not exhausting, mentally-depriving, and spiritually-challenging year. A roller-coaster ride is an understatement. It was a long, winding, rough, turbulent-heavy airplane ride with a lot of crashing and taking off, only to come crashing in the middle of the flight again. I had to damsel-in-distress most of my situations, and I wouldn’t want to have any of it in 2020. Not again.

There was a lot of self-saving, and a lot more crying to/with people I trust. I had to constantly reassure myself that what I am doing is at par with God’s timing but the universe kept on conspiring and kicking me to the dirt. It didn’t keep me grounded. It all the more made me insecure about the future. Worse, I kept on spiraling, and it was a series of never-ending self-doubt along with staying still, without really doing anything to come out of the invasives.

They say there’s this thing called quarter-life crisis and it comes crashing your soul when you’re 23 years old. They were right all along, it’s just that mine came literally on my 25^th [year]. The only consolation was, I attended my favorites’ concerts [alone], I opened three more savings accounts, I added another premium insurance [PruLife UK], and I traveled to places I already went to, and to a place I have been longing to set my tired feet on.

I learned basic Korean and Spanish, because my nights consist of dealing with my anxieties and insomnia. I had to look for anything I can spend my nights with. Few people know this, but I’ve passed law school entrance exams in 2016/2017, but money was scarce, so I couldn’t push through my law school journey. But this year, I enrolled to UP Law Center’s Paralegal Training Program, and learned a little bit of everything about law. I still don’t know if I’ll take exams again next year, because I just want to move cities.

I finally decided to up my blogging experience this year, so I opened Instagram and Facebook accounts to show my travel and photography journeys. I wrote less this year for this blog, because I was so lazy and it felt like I hated writing because of my thesis—which I am still struggling to finish.

2019 has also been the year when I learned of my sicknesses. I started the year struggling with a ganglion in my right hand—to the point that I can no longer use it to write. I had to consult with four doctors—and until now, it still bothers me. I still have to save up for the operation, though.

I was also diagnosed with PCOS. I knew beforehand that there was something wrong with my body because my thick hair is now so thin, I had far too many acne breakouts, and I am constantly getting fat even with regularly going to the gym and other physical activities. It made me so insecure so I always go back to spiraling.

I also lost many loved ones this year, too. My Aunty Luming and Mommy Lory left this world, and the family circle hasn’t been the same since.

This year, GOT7’s music still made me sane. I bought too many albums that I don’t need. I now own far too many official merchandize, and I went to their Keep Spinning in Manila last October 26, buying the most expensive ticket and it was all worth it.

I also went to different concerts of musicians I like. Jason Mraz in April, Westlife in July (I cried a lot because I finally saw my childhood crushes), Stray Kids, and DAY6 in November. I completed the JYP active boy group concerts in Manila and they were all worth it.

https://www.facebook.com/neyziellexrrc/media_set?set=a.2226440367447710&type=3

I went back to Taiwan with my Mom and cousin, as a 18^th birthday gift and annual international travel with Mama.

I finally took up the courage to go to Bali alone. It was financially-challenging because I went alone but I enjoyed every bit of my me-time in the island – although I almost died two days before I came back to the Philippines; all because of this thing called Bali Belly.

This year was also for booking flights and deciding on a whim to not push through with it. We were supposed to go to Coron, Palawan but things happened. GOT7’s concert in HongKong was also cancelled so we needed to cancel of Macau-Hongkong trip, too. I was also set to go to Fukuoka, Japan but decided to not go two days before the flight. I wasn’t ready, too much money wasted, but it was all for the better.

This year was also spiritually challenging for me. I tried too many times to run away because I cannot understand why God was letting me feel all of the pains and failures, but He always pulled me back. I was so tired, but He reminded me that He was my fortress. And He will always be.

Next year, I won’t run away. I will confront problems heads on, and I will be braver.

Next year, I will never apologize to things that don’t require my sympathy. I will no longer tolerate toxicity. I will be more aggressive with the things I want and be more accepting of defeat. I will take on challenges because I no longer want to limit my potentials, and I will be more dauntless than ever. I cannot promise to limit my travels, but next year is for saving more, and moving to a new city if I can, and if it’s God’s will.

Next year will be for everything that isn’t 2019. I will be more. I will be better.

To a wealthier, financially-secured, spiritually-strong, mentally-compelling, emotionally-secured, physically-fit 2020!

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2019 Report

Thank you, 2019 but I don’t like you. It has been fun, but I no longer want anything related to you. I am so glad you are ending. 2020 will be a better year for me and my family, I am planting the seed and I am claiming it!

Adios!