“Ever had the moment of hating something as much as how you used to love them?” she asks. Only to find out that she doesn’t have someone to ask to in the first place. Her 16-year old self loved the long hours of trip back home because she has all the time in the world to divert into the realm of imagining perfect scenarios inside her head.
Maybe she dwelled into that world a little too much that her only way out is to be incorrigibly annoying and noisy most of the time.
So, this is the life of the girl you wouldn’t want to meet, but you did, and you have to deal with it for the rest of your life.
This annoying girl laughs a lot but she craves space. She talks about anything too much, but she always makes way to recharge her batteries because it makes her breath. When she’s happy, she lets the whole world know. When she’s sad, she keeps it to herself. And when it gets to the point that she can’t fathom the degree of sadness anymore, she completely shuts down.
Her eyes. They used to shine so bright. And her smile used to come off naturally. But she knows that she is weird, twisted, and drowning in life’s ocean so she reminds herself that she is unlovable. Until she stopped being bright. Her head grew a list of things she has done wrong then suddenly, it was dark.
This girl sometimes disappoints herself because she knows that she is better than the choices she makes and the things she chooses to deal with. She finds it difficult to believe that a person would love her even when she isn’t trying.
She is annoying. She is noisy. She is outspoken. She argues when things don’t go her ways. She is stubborn, pathetic, paranoid, and awful. She is the girl no one is set to love. 
Tonight, however, she wants to tell you that if you’re feeling blue, try to paint yourself with a different color. She wants to assure you that when you are sad and afraid and broken and jaded, she will not be there to tell you, “It will get better.” She will be there to tell you that it’s okay to feel those emotions and your feelings are always validated.
She will never tell you how much happier you could be should you chose the easy way out. She will never blame you for being you, at this very moment. She will always be there to tell you that you are strong, you have been strong, and you will always be strong.
She wants to tell you that it is okay not to always be okay.
She wants, above all else, to tell you that you both are going to figure out what you want to do. You will be who you really are, who you used to be without taking any reservations, doubt, and self-harm. Maybe you still don’t know how to make it today but you’ll eventually figure it out.
But babe, she wants to tell you to stop thinking, for a second, that someone will like the way you annoying-ly talk and make senseless noise. She begs you to please try to be silent for a while lest just stay positive. The things you are waiting and praying for, tend to arrive at the most unexpected moments.
Just stop being annoying. No one will love you for that.
Letter I will never send // To myself ~
Neyziellewanders 