I realized that I am always asking other people if they are okay — a lot.

Even if I know that they are completely fine, I still ask, “How’s it going?” or “You okay, really?” and I guess I actually sound incorrigibly annoying.

It’s like I’m seeking attention when all I really wanted is to ask them about their day.I don’t know, it became more of my nature these days, a habit even — asking everyone about their day and if I can do something to make it better even if it seems they don’t find it okay to be continually answering me.

But just tonight, as I am sipping my cup of milk tea while writing something on my journal, I think I found the answer. Now I know why I do this.

Because when I am falling apart and I think my world would collapse anytime sooner..

No one ever asked me if I am okay.

Dear you, thank you for not asking because I figured out that you did not contribute in me throwing my life in a chaos. Thank you for not asking because you made me realize that maybe, just maybe, you are my friend only when you need something from me.

Guess I am branded with a feeling of insecurity.

“Some friends don’t understand this. They don’t understand how desperate I am to have someone say, I love you and I support you just the way you are because you’re wonderful just the way you are. They don’t understand that I can’t remember anyone ever saying that to me. I am so demanding and difficult for my friends because I want to crumble and fall apart before them so that they will love me even though I am no fun, lying in bed, crying all the time, not moving. Depression is all about If you loved me you would.” – Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

So this is what loneliness feels like. There is a peculiar sensation knowing I have felt it before– a long time– and it dawned on me that it has always been there, hiding beneath the strong face I always try to carry. It feels so familiar that I somehow forgot that it is a part of me.

Thank you for not asking because I am surrounded with all of you people but nothing hurts than knowing that I am still alone and you are not going to be there when I need someone to talk with.

Thank you for not asking.

“I will be okay.” Is that what you really want to hear from me?